By Cecelia Campbell Livingston
Mark Richards* always suspected that Daniel* was his son. In fact, he was convinced when his girlfriend was pregnant back then that it was his child. However, she flatly denied it, claiming she was pregnant for someone else.
Her parents, who were upstanding citizens in the community, fed the lie as they thought he wasn’t ‘good enough’ for their daughter and encouraged her to abort the pregnancy or instead give another man the ‘jacket,’ a term used to describe a man who has been given the responsibility of raising a child that is not his.
“From the initial stage, a sixth sense told me I was his father, but the grandparents blocked that effort,” he shared with Freedom Come Rain.
Richards said the mother eventually left the community, leaving the child with the grandparents and the man she had named as the father.
It was a hard blow for Richards, who said there was a sense of emptiness and longing that he could not describe. Working as a salesman, he said he made a lot of money and even found himself dreaming about purchasing a ten-speed bicycle for his son, but it never happened.
Richards said that although he never met his son, he would get reports that the child was his replica. Despite his many efforts, he never got to see Daniel until one day his wife went shopping and saw him in town. At this point, Daniel was in his 20’s.
“She called him and asked if I was his father, and he responded that he didn’t know who she was talking about. She was so convinced that she took him to my relatives, who acknowledged that he was the image of me.”
It was then that Richards shared that his son was told about him and his efforts to find him, and that the family kept them apart.
Son Relieved
Daniel in sharing his response to finally having a father in his life, said he always felt out of place and never believed that the man credited to be his father was actually his.
“He said he asked her over and over again who his father was, and she never responded. He also shared with him that he never felt comfortable, as he kept looking for things he had in common with him and seeing nothing. He expressed relief that we finally found each other,” Richards noted.
He said he also shared that there were times he wished he had a father who cared, as he went through some situations and never really had anyone to guide him the way he wanted to.
Now very involved in his adult son’s life, they share a tight bond, but Richards said he will always regret not having the opportunity to watch him grow from a boy to a man, to guide him through his teenage years, and to just be there.
It is this loss that sees him reaching out to mothers with the advice, “If you know who the father is, regardless of what, give him the correct name; don’t give it to someone else, because one day the shoe won’t fit and DNA will tell the truth. Even if you hate him with a passion, don’t deny him his involvement,” he cautioned.
Jayson Downer, president of Men of God Against Violence and Abuse (MoGAVA), pointed out that it is a common practice for some mothers to deliberately bar children from their fathers. He noted that, sadly, often times the reasons are financial and/or vindictiveness, something he stressed is not only damaging to the child but to the wider society as well.
According to Downer, the long-term emotional effects arising from actions such as this can be a feeling of rejection or abandonment, anger, or resentment.
“Other emotional repercussions are maladaptive emotional coping strategies or impulsive behaviour that leads to:
– Confusion as children normally want to please the parent they live with by ‘choosing their side’, yet yearn to be in the presence of the absent one.
– Depression
– Promiscuity
– Teenage Pregnancy
Commenting on mothers who deliberately bar fathers from their children, he said many children who went through that and are now adults resent their mothers because the truth has been revealed.
“Now that they have legally become adults, they are not ‘bound’ by the instructions of their mothers and have become accessible to their dads. They are now able to decipher for themselves who they ‘let in’ and who they ‘let out’. While some children eventually forgive, especially if the mother apologises, others feel they were robbed of a relationship with their father and harbour resentment,” he pointed out.
On the bright side, Downer observed that more mothers are now realising that they have absolutely no right to withhold a father from seeing his child (unless for legitimate safety reasons).
Fathers too, he asserted, are feeling more empowered where their rights are concerned and taking mothers to court.
“In any event, I recommend that mediation take place. Co-parenting is the best option in circumstances where the mother and father are no longer intimately involved and/or live together. For a mother who believes she has grounds to withhold a child from their father, seek advice. Since the National Parenting Support Commission offers so many parenting clubs, it is not necessary to be legal. If she feels that is not enough, then she should take it to the courts for them to decide,” he stressed.
Downer continued that the best interest of the child is not about the mother’s feelings, but rather the wellbeing of the child, as the situation is not about her (the mother).
“For the father, I will repeat what was alluded to earlier: seek legal advice and do so soon. Fight for yours and your child’s rights. For the child who is displaying the psychological and emotional effects of father absence, counselling works,” he concluded.
