I was once approached by a young lady, whom we’ll call Zain. You see, Zain wanted my advice on a friendship that she had begun with a college mate, Moya, shortly after starting the first semester. She was hurt that Moya, her “friend”, would often go about revealing information (to others) that she (Zain) had told her in confidence. This friend would do this whenever they had a disagreement. Zain went on to explain that Moya often gossiped about her, tried to control and manipulate her into doing things she did not want to do, and the list went on and on. Of course, I had to ask…“Why are you still friends with her then?”
UPSIDE-DOWN FRIENDSHIP
Her response, though genuine, sounded incredulous!
Zain confided that she feared losing the friendship. By now my brows were furrowed in confusion, as the imagery of their “entanglement” more suited the “prison/prisoner” relationship, in my mind, but it was how she felt.
In an attempt to gain a better understanding, I asked her to explain some more why she felt that way. Zain expressed that she had struggled with insecurity for years, and she could also pinpoint the genesis of same.
Hearing her story and family background, I too began to understand why Zain thought that any friend was better than no friend. This is the danger of a flawed identity leading to flawed thinking, resulting in flawed actions. Understand this well: it is good to have friendships; by all means, do so! However, allow God to direct your choices. Do not become desperate for just ‘any’ friend, because the enemy will package one and send to you.
What Zain also said during the conversation resonated with me from then until now. So, yes, initially she enjoyed indulging in the gossip, mocking, idle, and unwholesome discussions that they would have about others at the beginning of their “entanglement”. However, after a while, she began losing the appetite for that kind of interaction. So clearly, they had similar interests at the get-go, or she was trying to “fit in” to suit the friendship position that was available.
The thing is, their “situationship” was cultivated from unrighteous seeds, sown into mutually toxic soil, and so could bear nothing but further ungodliness and toxicity. As time progressed, Zain began to outgrow the unhealthy entanglement. The problem arose, however, as she somehow expected the entanglement to grow into a healthy friendship, even though she was the only change in that situation.
The seed that germinated into the friendship was common negativity, fertilised by ungodly encounters. Therefore, Zain’s loss of appetite for the unrighteous fruit did not mean she could now turn an apple into an orange to suit her taste. As she attempted to change the entanglement into a palatable friendship, then came the pushback from Moya. After all, Moya had not signed up for that, and everyone knows that you don’t try to suddenly change the rules of engagement in the middle of the game. At this point, Moya turned on Zain, who became the target of the abuse. Zain started getting a taste of what she and Moya once meted out to others.
CAN’T MY FEET JUST SHRINK?
As I thought about the situation, I was taken back to a time in high school when I wore my cousin’s shoes to school for about two weeks. She had recently graduated, and I was in need of a pair of shoes, as mine were no longer roadworthy. However, my mother was unable to afford one at that moment. Put two and two together, and “problem solved!”
Well…
If the problem was solved, you wouldn’t be reading about it now. No, the problem was definitely not solved; instead, it took on a new dimension.
From one problem to the next, they say…
The solution brought about a new, albeit reasonably foreseeable, predicament. You see, my cousin wore a size 5, and my feet were a few sizes bigger. However, desperation often clouds judgement and usually opens the door to more problems masquerading as solutions.
Needless to say, it was a painful two weeks.
Oh, how I wished those cute brown shoes were a size 8.
Even a 6 ½, Lord… I thought during those two weeks of extreme pain and desperation.
Regardless of what I “thought” or “wished”, however, I had to reconcile my reality to the fact that they were, and always would be, a size 5. So, I could either go to school barefoot or continue bearing the pain while wearing them and hoping that they would stretch – even if by just half a size!
Evil shoes that they were, they never stretched! Not even by an inch!
I could not “will” my feet to become a size 5 any more than I could “will” the shoes to go up to a size 8 to suit my preference. In my desperation, however, any pair of shoes seemed better than no shoes and, by extension, missing school.
Looking back… I don’t know that that was the wisest decision.
Certainly, my mother would have found a less painful, more suitable solution if I had made her aware of the “problematic solution”—that the shoes were “painfully” small. That might have meant missing school for a few days if my grandmother could not give her a loan. Surely, that wouldn’t have been as bad as those agonising two weeks!
TAKEAWAYS FROM ZAIN’S STORY
What am I saying?
I took you on that ‘painful’ trip down memory lane to help you to understand that one, some things we have to take or leave, based on how they are at the moment, and not on how we would like them to be. Two, not all friendships (and shoes) are the right fit; wait for the right size. Three, choose wisdom over desperation and compromise when it comes to making decisions.
So, you might have identified some persons you think would be great friends based on various criteria. For example, they are humorous and fun to be around, popular, quite smart, and would provide a boost or (at worst) a crutch for your GPA. However, when you assess them for Godly traits, there are too many red flags. Take my advice, accept what you see and make the wise decision. Refocus your attention elsewhere or prepare for the repercussion of your actions. They may be good for your GPA and social status but bad for your spiritual health and wellbeing.
Don’t be “flesh” wise and spiritually foolish.
Choose that which is way more valuable: your spiritual health.
Don’t justify keeping ungodly company by overlooking the obvious and using the broad brush of, “I become all things to all people so that I might win a few.” Don’t get it twisted… When Paul spoke of becoming all things to all men so that he might save some (1st Corinthians 9), he was not talking about doing so at the expense of compromising Godliness.
Choose Godliness at all costs.
The cost of not doing so is spiritually expensive for the Christian and heavy to bear.
A Minister of Religion, Kayon Rodney is a youth and children ministry overseer, speaker, and author of “God Goes to College Too: Biblical Principles for Navigating the College Experience” Vols. 1 & 2. Send us your feedback at [email protected].
