The Bible shows us clearly that fathers are expected to bless their children, provide their basic needs, shape their identity, and lead them to know God as their Eternal Father. However, we have seen where this is not practiced, especially in the Caribbean. Ancient Jewish fathers practiced what is historically called, “the gift of the blessing.” They would have a special moment when they would impart certain things to their children. It was as though these fathers knew of the intrinsic need we all have for someone in authority to not only believe in us but to tell us so.
Authors Gary Smalley and John Trent have written an excellent book called “The Gift of the Blessing.” In it, they describe the five elements of the blessing:
- Respectful, healthy, and meaningful touch
- Spoken words
- Expressions of value
- Pictures of a preferred future
- Make commitments
FATHERING BOYS
The blessing helps to convey the love, value, and worth that all children need and yearn for! Author John Eldredge says in “Wild at Heart” that a boy gets two gifts from his father: love in the form of “I value you; I prize you; you are a person of worth to me.”
He also gives his son the additional gift of affirmation: the boy needs to have his father affirm his ability to do certain masculine things; to make it in life to become a man. Eldredge says “masculinity is bestowed,” so for the boy to become a man, his father and other men have to affirm what it takes to be a man and tell him when he has arrived at manhood! That is why rites of passage are so crucial, especially for boys, but also for girls in various cultures!
FATHERING GIRLS
I have also come to see that a girl needs her father to treat her as his princess and take her to places with him, play with her, and hug and kiss her on her cheeks. The girl needs another gift: she needs the protection of her dad from male predators who want to have sex with her! The father has to keep her from males who mean her no good and who intentionally make empty promises. Eventually, he has to help her find or identify her knight in shining armour, giving her to him on her wedding day! Isn’t this a beautiful picture of protection and care for his daughter?!
FATHER WOUNDS CAN BE HEALED
Unfortunately, today we see many young people suffering from the negative effects associated with parental neglect. This can be very painful and is especially true in the case of fathers. The term ‘father-wound’ has come to mean the emotional and psychological wounds caused by absentee fathers, fathers who may be present but are emotionally disconnected from their children, abusive fathers, negligent fathers, and unloving fathers. A girl or boy who has been wounded by their father may experience feelings of inferiority, insecurity, and inadequacy. They may also manifest hostility, ingratitude, an independent spirit, or a tendency to sabotage themselves.
For me, I didn’t get anything (that I know of) from my father except his name. My mother did her best to raise me, but I still needed strong, positive male influences in my life. Thankfully, I dealt with my father-wound in therapy; I came to forgive him for neglecting me. God was faithful to place a spiritual father in my life—Dr. Mallory, whom I met while I was attending Bethel College in Indiana. He helped me immensely to find healing. Today, I travel the world and have been used by God to help many youths with father wounds find and experience real love in God.
If you are so wounded, you need to seek help, first to forgive, and then trust God to send people into your life who can substitute for the father or mother you never had. You also need to know that God is your Eternal Father who promises never to leave or forsake you and is faithful to fill every void. “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up” (Psalm 27.10). If you earnestly look to and get close to Him, then you will see He has an infallible plan. He has ordained people who He will so wisely connect you with to guide you on the right path and help you fulfil your destiny.
If you are a father reading this, open your heart to God and allow Him to guide you to be a Godly father whether or not you personally experienced one as a child. If you are doing well as a father, continue!
Finally, I charge you men to avail yourselves to youths, as God leads, so that He may use you to bless not only your biological children, but all those He will intentionally place in your life.
Reverend Courtney Richards is an ordained minister with the Missionary Church Association in Jamaica. He is a psychologist, teacher, global missionary, and spiritual father to many worldwide. He specializes in leadership training and mentoring, especially young males with father wounds