I was one who grew up in the church, and as a result, my heart was impacted in such a way that it kept me from a lot of temptations. In fact, from a tender age I purposed in my heart that I would live a life of obedience to God. Sadly, at some point in my childhood, I was introduced to sex and pornography. I started ‘peeking’ every now and then on these things, foolishly thinking I had control as to the degree to which it would affect me.
In 2004, The Judy Mowatt Music and Bible Teacher Academy of the Arts came to Bath, St. Thomas, my hometown at that time. I joined the academy and fell in love with the art of dance. I also got a glimpse of the hope my soul was searching for, but I was too distracted by my love for football, video games, and dancing. In fact, it was really my passion for dancing that kept me going to church. On the other hand, my passion for football was definitely pulling me away from God. Thankfully, at age 15, I attended a summer camp in Portland, and it was there that God made a remarkable impression on my heart. On the 31st of January 2010, I was water baptised, but it seemed from that moment my temptations intensified. My major struggle was with girls; it appeared as if I was suddenly magnified in their eyes. Now, I never had to pursue them – they pursued me!
During the summer of 2011, I was recruited to play football for Clarendon College and was guaranteed a scholarship once I maintained my grades and of course scored goals. From my perspective, this opportunity was an easy task to accomplish as well as a chance to fulfil my lusts, seeing that I’d be in a foreign place without any Christian accountability. It was just me and God, whose omniscience I became willfully ignorant of, deceived myself into denying His Holy Spirit in me, and began flirting with the devil. At first it was “perfect”; scoring goals and dating the girl I desired. I started entertaining thoughts of having sex and began watching pornography often, which of course led to masturbation. Finally, when all the plans were in place to sleep with the girl, I tore a ligament in my hip, slowing me down – adding insult to injury was personified!
Whenever I went home, I had no desire to attend church and did all I could to avoid hearing the Word being preached. I drifted away from God, and further into promiscuity, yet on several occasions I found myself in compromising positions and dilemmas. I would be burning with lust but unable to go all the way into sex due to the Holy Spirit’s influence within me and my fear of getting any of the girls pregnant. Eventually, it so happened that all the “relationships” ended and I was left alone. It was then that I remembered God, but never had the courage to pray. I browsed my phone and found one gospel song – “Jesus take the wheel.” I quickly deleted all other music and would often listen and dance to this one song. In doing so, I realised that my injury was due to disobedience to God. He allowed it to stop me in my tracks because if I continued down the path I was on, it would have been disastrous. When I finally found the strength to pray, I repented and made the decision to renounce all the ungodly things I was involved in and sought after God. I can remember saying to Him,
“Well, seeing that I can’t enjoy this world and I am not sure if I am totally filled with the Holy Ghost, I am going to seek You with everything in me because I no longer want to be in doubt. You said in your Word that if I hunger and thirst after righteousness I will be filled, so I am going to chase after You.”
I spent days and nights in the Word and fasted as often as I could because I was desperate to know where I stood in the eyes of God. I also made this request of Him,
“If You know that gaining a scholarship to travel and play football overseas means I will back-slide, don’t let it come to pass…Just allow me to go to the University of the West Indies (UWI), where I would be near to my church.”
Guess what! God heard my prayer, did what was best, and so I ended up at UWI – praise the Lord!
In 2012, I attended my church’s summer camp and the Lord made another impression on my heart, revealing my mistakes and how to move forward. It was there I made the resolve to completely surrender to His will for my life. Since then, I have been growing spiritually with no intentions of regressing; ONLY pressing toward the mark of the prize of the high calling in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14), which is simply to live for Him in such a way that I can be certain of spending eternity with Him. Now, getting saved and walking in total submission to God did not stop me from playing football. It actually became an avenue to interact with and minister to other young men by exemplifying the life of Christ to them in the various situations that would arise. There was not an instant where I allowed myself to give in to the temptations that surely came. I was at peace being considered a fool for Christ because I knew I was pleasing my Heavenly Father, and that’s all that mattered (and still does).
Because of my past experiences with females, I initially struggled in my interactions with those particularly in church as I didn’t want them to think I was flirting with them. Thankfully, by the power of God and the indwelling of the Holy Ghost, I overcame; I am now able to confidently communicate with the ladies around me without fear of moving into a state of lust.
Someone may ask, “What makes you so confident?” My response would be that I know who I am in Christ and so I do not allow myself to entertain any ungodly thoughts. I choose to hold firm to the Scriptures that says I am given the power to cast down any high thing that exalts itself above the knowledge of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).
I was even asked by a friend if I was gay, simply because I told him I liked a particular girl but chose not to go after her (as I would have normally done), but instead endeavoured to be a presentation of Christ to her. The life I now live may be a mystery to some of my friends who know my past, but I am truly thankful to God for working this change. I am now very secured in my relationship with God. I have proven that as long as I allow His Spirit to lead me, I will always be a pure and holy man of God, just like Jesus, even in my passions!
People invest time and energy doing things they have much interest in because they are passionate about them. Passions in and of themselves are not wrong, but if we don’t allow God to guide and govern us in our motives and pursuit of them, then one could add it this way: Passion – Purity = Destruction. Be encouraged toward this formula: Passion + Purity = Eternal Life!
Clement Brown is a former member of Passion and Purity, a school-based Christian ministry in Jamaica.
