“Before anything…”
A true story of how I dealt with a broken heart
Vaniel had always been known for her strong convictions. As a trying, devout Christian, she believed in standing up for what she believed was right and expressing her feelings openly. So, when she felt hurt by the actions of those close to her, she didn’t hesitate to let them know…but at what cost? “She’s mentally ill,” some people would say. Others concluded that she was just an empath who felt emotions intensely.
“Still,” Vaniel reasoned, “I should have known my place the minute I fell deep into obsession with that young man. Whatever the sequence of events that led to her good friend liking him, too, and ending up in a relationship with him, she, Vaniel, should have known better.
“Now I know that only God can heal me. Only God can save me. Only God can dig me out of this horrible pit into which I gradually dug myself.” Vaniel said these words over and over again as she petitioned God to come to her rescue.
One evening, after a particularly tense exchange with her family, Vaniel found herself alone in her room, wrestling with her emotions. She felt justified in her anger, convinced that she had been wronged. But a small voice within her whispered doubts. “No, Vaniel, you are more wrong than anyone else; take accountability for what you did; you were too blinded by infatuation that you forgot the little details; go and do what is right.”
As she sat in the quiet, contemplating her next move, memories flooded her mind. She remembered the countless times her family and church had supported her, loved her, and guided her through life’s challenges. She realised some people’s intentions had always been pure, even if their actions sometimes caused pain. “How could I have made those three posts on social media,” she shouted at the mirror. “I should have kept my pain to myself and lived with it; that’s not the way to do it! God is the truth to my downfall and the truth to my upbringing; God sees and knows everything.”
Tears welled up in Vaniel’s eyes as she came to a profound realization. As a Christian, she was called to love and forgive, even in the face of hurt. She understood now that expressing her feelings in a moment of anger could cause more harm than good, especially when dealing with those who meant well for her. “The couple did mean well for me,” she reasoned with her face in the mirror. “In fact, they saved me many times, even when I didn’t want their help. I felt that they were sorry for me, and I never liked people pitying me; now I’m to be pitied.”
With a heavy heart, Vaniel reached out to her family and the couple, apologizing for her harsh words, and explaining her new-found understanding. When she shared the story with others, they were shocked and left her, while others understood that “Vaniel, you are not a bad person, you just do/say bad things, bad/evil people don’t regret anything.”
Indeed, she was full of regrets. She had acted in the heat of the moment, not even realising how her action could hurt others.
From that day when Vaniel had that conversation with the mirror, she approached her relationships with a new-found humility and compassion. She learned to seek understanding before reacting, to listen before speaking, and to always strive for reconciliation and peace.
Though the journey was challenging, Vaniel found solace in her faith in God and the knowledge that she was walking the path of love and forgiveness, just as her Christian beliefs had taught her. And as she continued on her journey, she carried with her the wisdom gained from her realization, knowing that true strength lay not in pride or anger, but in grace and understanding.
“Even if the world hates or despises me, I know for a fact that I’m just a human filled with emotions, and only Christ can deliver me from my wretched feelings,” is what she now tells herself. “As a Christian, I should’ve known better than to try and put someone in a bad light because doing so doesn’t make you look any better. I am sorry for the posts I made. I am sorry to your eyes (for the things you read on my post), to your eardrums (because I know you can sometimes hear my terrible words echoing in your head), and to your minds (where the trauma continuously plays out itself).
“Next time, I’ll speak with God before anything…before anything.”
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16