By Nicole Holness
Marriage is a very critical institution to the longevity of a people, a generation, and a nation. The only thing God did before the first marriage in the Bible was recorded was to prepare an environment suitable for the couple to live and flourish.
So, the man (Adam) gave names to all the livestock, birds, in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So, the Lord caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; He took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the space with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man (Genesis 2:20–21).
These two verses speak volumes if we really meditate on them; they really are about the first marriage in the making.
- The male man came before the woman; thus, he is the leader by creation’s progression and sequence.
- When male man was made, he was given by God the responsibility to work and take care of the garden. That responsibility was never given to a woman by The Creator.
- Only a woman is a suitable companion for a man (not a dog, a fish, or a cat).
- Adam was not taught what to do with that woman; he instinctively knew she was his helpmate.
God brought this new specimen to Adam, who was tasked with naming all the living creatures. When he named the woman, he also stated how she would be treated. The man (Adam) said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” (Genesis 2:23)This is a statement of ownership because woman was taken out of man.
Similarly, a child is born to parents who immediately take up ownership and responsibility to care for that child until they leave and cleave to their spouses. By God’s design, this is what it should look like. Yes, I know, regrettably and sadly, that life and circumstances, tragedies, and mishaps are sometimes our reality, but it’s not the norm. That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24).
Let me clarify: a single man will always return to his home to eat, sleep, and spend time with his parents in the normal setting of life, even after moving out. He will go home regularly, especially on weekends, for meals and to do laundry. Many children still find the family kitchen for dinner on Sundays; for some children, it is every evening after work before going to their home. In such instances, a very rich parent-adult child relationship exists.
Daughters, similarly, are often very dependent on their mothers for advice, particularly with relationships. They still go to Daddy for assistance in numerous ways, too, especially for finances and car fixes.
Even though they may have a successful career, many adult Jamaican children live with their parents until marriage, at which point they move out of the fold. Notwithstanding the fact that they are adults; they will depend on their parents for advice, financial help, direction, and guidance in unknown areas. As an unmarried child, this is quite in order and should be embraced.
PARENTS, GIVE THE NEWLY-WEDS SPACE
However, there must be a clear line of separation drawn as these children now transition into marriage. Leaving and cleaving must take place for the two to become one.
Adult children, you are now charged to go and build your own family unit—start afresh, develop your own routine together, and increase the family size. The male man’s primary role is no longer son, but now provider, husband, leader, and priest of a new domain. He is expected to take responsibility for a home with his wife, for together they may soon be the parents of children. By the sweat of his brow, his family will now eat bread. (Gen.3:19)The proverbial buck stops with him, being the head of his home.
Let us understand that a king is only respected and honoured when he rules well; it is a lie told to our sons that as leaders of their home they are to sit and be served.
Remember King David? It was when he allowed himself to be unoccupied that evil knocked at his door, and he opened it. And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab… But David still tarried at Jerusalem. (2 Samuel 11:1)
A man is charged with the responsibility of overseeing the proper operations and running of his home. This requires leaving and cleaving.
A new marriage requires time and patience.
It is a new experience for both parties, and the family of origin should allow them space to work at the new union without interference. This process is no joke; our support as parents is not to meddle but to pray for them through this difficult season of oneness. Don’t give opinions or take sides; helping where it was not requested. This season is one of figuring things out independent of parents, which is very critical to the longevity of the marriage.
Don’t aid and abet disagreements, quarrels, and arguments when they occur; they are inevitable. Teach them to go back home and talk it through. Don’t entertain them at your home or encourage them to sleep out unless their marital disagreement is life-threatening. They must learn not to allow the sun to go down on their wrath, just like you had to learn.
Parents, even if your son’s wife can’t cook well, let him go home and enjoy what she prepared, for that is whom he covenanted with; remember, he can sign her up in a cooking class.
Send him home, Mama!
Allow the new couple to leave and cleave. Give them time to figure things out.
I’ve only just scratched the surface of the matters surrounding “leaving and cleaving” and am leaving you with this loaded scripture to digest until we meet again.
When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year; and shall cheer up his wife he hath taken. Deuteronomy 24: 4-5
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Nicole Holness is a pastoral counsellor. Contact her at holy4n@gmail.com