Pain in the pews?

Be the reason they stay

Church is supposed to be a place of healing, yet for many, it has become a source of deep wounds.

I remember speaking with a young woman who sat at the back of the church, avoiding eye contact and leaving before the service ended. One Sunday, I approached her, and as we talked, she shared her pain. She had been judged harshly by church members because of her past. She came seeking grace but found condemnation instead.

Her story isn’t unique. Many people walk into church with the hope of finding love, only encountering gossip, rejection, or indifference. Some have been shamed for their mistakes. Others have been made to feel like outsiders because they don’t fit a certain mold. Sadly, some have even experienced church abuse, whether emotional, spiritual, or otherwise.

THE WOUNDS WE DON’T SEE

Church hurt is real, and it often cuts deeper than anything else because it comes from the very place that should be a refuge. It happens when leaders misuse their authority, when members are more focused on rules than redemption, and when people are treated as projects instead of souls.

Many who leave the church don’t abandon God, they just struggle to find a place where they are safe to heal. The saddest part is, we rarely talk about it.

HOW DO WE BEGIN TO HEAL?

1. Listen Without Judgment
   When someone shares their church wounds, don’t dismiss their pain without acknowledging it. Or simply saying “not all churches are like that.” Instead, listen. Feel their hurt. Validate their experience. Sometimes, the greatest ministry is simply being present for someone in their healing process.
2. Create a Culture of Grace
   Jesus didn’t push away the broken, He welcomed them (John 8:1-11). If our churches are not places where people can come as they are and encounter the love of Christ, we are missing the point. It’s time to shift from a culture of criticism to one of compassion.
3. Hold Leaders Accountable
   Leadership in the church is a privilege, not a power trip. If pastors, elders, or ministry leaders misuse their authority, there should be structures in place to address it Biblically and justly. No one should suffer in silence because of unchecked spiritual abuse.
4. Help, Don’t Hurt
   If someone in the church is struggling, whether with addiction, past mistakes, or personal battles, don’t be the reason they leave. Be the reason they stay. Instead of gossiping, offer a hand. Instead of condemning, show them the same grace that God has shown you.

My heart’s cry is that we cannot heal what we refuse to address. If you have been hurt by the church, I encourage you, don’t give up on God because of people. Healing takes time, but it is possible. Find a safe community, seek counsel, and remember that Christ’s love is not defined by human failures.

If you are part of a church, I challenge you: how do people feel after encountering you?

Do they feel judged, or do they feel seen? Do they feel unwanted, or do they feel welcomed?

Church should be a place where the wounded find healing, not where they receive new scars. Let’s be the church that loves like Jesus — truly, deeply, and without conditions.

Grace-Anna Baugh-Osbourne has been a devoted Christian for over 25 years. A wife and mother, she is also a Jamaican educator, pastor, counselor, and mentor with a passion for empowering others.