For the single mom juggling breadwinning and childrearing, it is sometimes hard to tolerate baby-daddy when he has no money to contribute to the child’s welfare. His “broke-ness” may be due to poor choices, no job, or just too many other ‘baby-mothers’ to support. Regardless of the reason, however, and as much as it will test your faith and patience, if Dad desires to have a relationship with his child, he should be given access to that option; “bruk pocket” or not.
“What!? That dead beat! All he can do is visit JJ with a ‘bag-a-long-talking’ while I have to work so hard!?”
DENYING DAD’S ACCESS TO HIS CHILDREN OPENS THE DOOR FOR DYSFUNCTIONS
The fact is, whether there are bills keeping you up at night, or you are financially stable; this is not about you or “Mr. Bruk Pocket.” Something bigger is at stake.
Psychologists agree that our children’s sense of identity, confidence, attitude to authority and approach to the opposite sex, are impacted greatly by them having a healthy relationship with their fathers. Denying dad’s relationship with them therefore, closes the door on the possibility of that “healthy relationship,” and opens the potential for a long list of related dysfunctions.
SOME KEY BUILDING BLOCKS TO CHILDREN’S SUCCESS IN LIFE
These essential factors – identity, confidence, respect for authority, and healthy relationships with the opposite sex, are key building blocksto children’s success as teens and later on, as adults. This is what you are after. This is why you should remain open to facilitating Dad’s access to his child. This is what is potentially at stake when he is “cussed out” or dismissed as “wotliss” or “good fe nutten” because his pocket is “short”.
So, for your child’s sake, it may mean you mom, may have to swallow your anger (or pride), and accommodate his $100 ice-cream and $50-peanut visits with little JJ. It may mean agreeing to his visits when he is bringing nothing for little JJ except a ‘lift-up,’ or a ‘donkey-ride’ around the yard. It may even mean you paying for the ice-cream that he is ‘buying’ for little JJ, or discreetly using your credit to answer his “Please Call Me,” so that he can speak with little JJ.
Is he absolved of financial responsibility? Of course not, but that is a separate matter from him having access to a relationship with his child, if he is willing. His financial contribution is a matter which should be dealt with separately, so that the penalty for his “bruk-pocket” is not your broken-hearted child.
“EASIER TO BUILD STRONG CHILDREN THAN REPAIR BROKEN MEN”
Frederick Douglas, the American ex-slave and abolitionist says, “it is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”
So, scream in your pillow if you must, bite your tongue if you must. Pray he gets a job, or becomes diligent, or get his wife/family/Family Court’s assistance to help financially, but whatever you do, remember, his relationship with your child is not about you or him. It’s about giving your child the long term emotional and psychological building blocks that are possible through a healthy father-child relationship.
Tough call? Sure is. But “tough” is the single parent’s middle name; in this case – you mom. Keep repeating this fortifying verse found in Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” until it becomes an outworking in every sphere of your life.
Contact: Ingrid McFarlane, PR and Communications Consultant, Writer and Relationship Advisor, Tel:876-856-0196, gridsmart2004@yahoo.com