By Cecelia Campbell Livingston
Today, Jo-Ann May is a confident, secure Christian woman impacting lives and empowering others to live their best lives.
That was not always the case, as for years she struggled with insecurity, feeling as if she was less than and that something was fundamentally wrong with her.
In an interview with Freedom Come Rain, May confessed that she struggled with feelings of not being good enough to be friends with a certain class of people and that she could never really fit in.
Although she grew up in a Christian household and attended church weekly, May admits that there was a part of her that was broken and damaged, and she had no language for it.
“As I got older, even though I knew the right things, I found myself searching for love and acceptance in the wrong places. There were days when I woke up feeling pretty and others when I felt there was nothing special about me—’just your average cup of Jo’ I used to say. What was interesting to me was that all along, there were people who would tell me how pretty I was or that there was nothing average about me, but I struggled to truly believe the words they spoke,” she recollects.
Reading that God loved her wasn’t enough to affirm that love, as she points out that on an intellectual level she knew that she was His child, but that knowledge didn’t go deep. She knew the Bible, served in church on the worship team, and held other leadership positions, but continued to struggle with feelings of unworthiness.
Eventually, she started drinking at an early age and hanging out at sports bars when she got older. Having acquired a taste for alcohol, she found pleasure in hanging out with the guys and having a drink or few.
“Coupled with my low self-esteem and damaged sense of self-worth, it was no surprise then that I started to look to the opposite sex to fill that space, that void I felt,” she revealed.
In hindsight, May now admits that what she really needed was to experience God in a new way.
“I knew Him to be a provider and a healer, but I couldn’t experience Him as a loving Father. I had a loving earthly father however, his being a disciplinarian, coupled with other situations in my earlier life, skewed my view of how a father should be. My interactions with my dad shaped the way I viewed God as a father. I saw Him as someone who demanded the very best at all times—perfection, really. In my mind, He was waiting for me to make a mistake so He could whip me back in line and show me the right path,” she notes.
The thought that God could be tender to her never entered her mind, so the stories of others referring to God as ‘Abba’ being soft and gentle were something to be scoffed at as she shared that her experiences and insecurities continued to keep her bound.
May eventually got married, but five years into that marriage, they were separated, with it ending in divorce.
“During that period, the Lord and I did some real tussling. I began to wonder if I even knew Him. Had I heard Him at all? How could He allow this? He stripped me of everything: my job, ministry, marriage, friends… Everything I thought made me someone; I began to question everything I knew about…Him, and in that space, He told me to write,” she states.
Putting fingers to keys, the words started flowing, and May confessed that it was in the writing process that a deeper level of healing began to take place.
Sharing that God put some key people in her life to help guide her, she got to know Him even better.
“He showed me that I don’t need to do anything to be someone; I already am. He dug up my foundation and repaired the faulty parts. He has restored me in the area of marriage, as I’m now remarried and have recently published my book,” she informed.
The book Overcoming the Trap of Insecurity, in which she expounds, will give readers an insight into her life’s journey and how it impacted her.
Sharing her hopes for others who may be having similar struggles, she said she really wants them to feel, see, understand, and identify where some of their issues may have started.
“I’d advise people to pray before reading and ask the Lord to reveal to them what He wants them to see. I also want people to know that help is available. We’re not meant to walk this Christian life alone, so find yourself a couple of real friends; Christians who are serious about their relationship with God and who will consistently pray for and with you,” she implores.
Acknowledging that her book might not be the sole solution, she also advises that there may be some who need additional help, such as a psychiatrist or psychologist. She assures that there is no shame in it.
“I had to see a therapist who helped me put language to what I was feeling and helped me reframe it in a way that was useful. Above all else, stay close to the Lord. Ask Him the hard questions. He isn’t afraid of what we could ask or the thoughts we have; He can handle it.”
The book is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback versions.
